Jai Ho-Hum!

"Rehman has won the Oscars!" orgasmed an excited RJ on Radio Mirchi the day after. Really? What was the score? Two - Nil? Or 200 for no loss? I didn't know the Oscars were a game. I also want to play.

I was hoping the euphoria over Slumdog would die down before I wrote this, so that I would not get lost amongst the other million blogdogs already covering the same topic. But then I realised we are never, ever going to let anybody forget that we Indians have finally arrived on the international arena of cinema... until of course the next Indian connection at the Oscars. Just like when we were all gung-ho about Kalpana Chawla, until that new chick Sunita Williams came around and buggered everything up for her predecessor. (Kalpu may have been the first Indian origin babe to go to space, but our Suni was the first to go and come back.)

This piece is actually not an attack on Slumdog, or Rehman, or Gulzar. I actually liked the movie. I am also liking the songs (I say that in the present-continuous-or-whatever because I am listening to Jai Ho as we speak; and also because it is very Indian to say I am liking). It's just that I feel we're a wee bit overexcited. A tad too proud. No, actually we're over the fucking moon (beat that Sunita). So we've won a few Oscars. Calm fucking down. In the not so famous but unwittingly wise words of Mohnish Behl's character in Maine Pyar Kiya, "Relax-take-it-easy-cool-it-yaar!" We have not achieved WORLD PEACE or anything like that...

Every TV channel and it's poor radio cousin, every glossy and it's step supplement sister, is talking about Slumdog. Senior politicians are beaming about it on national news (because they have already sorted out everything else, haven't they?) But in all this coverage, if you are not too busy drooling about our success, you can pick up on some brilliant could've-been controversies. For instance when Rehman was asked about his transformation from the simply dressed man to the armani / sabyasachi wearing stylo, he answered "When one is representing one's country, one doesn't want to look like a beggar". Beggar!? Shouldn't he have said fucking Slumdog?

Ok, now the critique.

First, there's a huge debate going on about our claim (India's claim) to Slumdog. Yes Allah Rakha won two. Sampooran Singh a.k.a Gulzaar won one. So did Mr. Pookutty (pre-oscars we might have gone Who-kutty?). And it ends at that. It was British direction - American production. Made by UK, paid by USA. Not Indian. Definitely not Bollywood. So may I request all the delirious hosts at various Bollywood award functions to please stop frothing at the mouth. It happens to be a movie about India, shot in India, with a whole lot of Indians in it. But it isn't an Indian film. Just like Out of Africa wasn't an African (Kenyan) production. And consider this. Will the next space movie have some Martians staking a claim to it. Or Kalpana Chawla?

Next. Jai Ho. Like I said - good song. Great song even. But again, like I also said: Calm Fucking Down. Ok, Akshay Kumar, I mean thumbs up to Rehman for the composition of the sound track (some of the beats sound quite African - do we hear any African claimants?). But he's often delivered as good and better. Then, Hrithik Roshan, I mean two thumbs up to Gullu-ji for his usually unusual lyrics. But as I am listening to and liking the song Jai Ho, I am also wondering, why out of the neele aasaman there are Spanish lyrics? Baila Baila! Why-la Why-la? Enrique, did you have something to do with this corny and unnecessary bit of lyrics?

Finally. The poverty issue. Was it fair to expose the dirty stinking underbelly of modern prosperous India? One point that I like to make is that Danny Bhai (well he's one of us now) has had a bit of a shit fetish to begin with, so no need to take the latrine-scene personally. Remember Train Spotting. The bit where Ewan McGregor dives into the shitter. Sean Connery wasn't offended by that, so why did the Big B object to this? Or was that OK because it was an English style crapper, while ours was a desi tattighar? Those against the motion also have a point. Would you want the world to see your jewels, or your stools. This debate is really banal. Frankly my dears, I don't give a shit. But I would like to suggest some alternative lyrics for Jai Ho which could have read (instead of ratti ratti sachchi maine jaan gavayi hai...) tatti tatti sachchi maine gaand ki khayi hai...

Anyway, to sum it all up, Slumdog and it's music, while good, was... is being... will be... over over over-hyped, and all the hullabaloo around it (and about it being Indian) is really beginning to bore me. Jai Ho-Hum.